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Reflections on Freshman Year

A year ago, I began the process of packing up my life. In August of 2017, I was preparing to move to Pennsylvania for my first year of college. It’s a cliche, but I had no idea what was in store for me. A few months ago, I had finished my senior year of high school. I was proud of how I had lived my senior year; I had a series of clear goals that I accomplished. Last year, I felt ready to go to college. Was I nervous? people would ask. No, I would answer. Truth was, I didn’t know. I had never experienced a change like this before; I didn’t know what to expect. I was nervous, but I wasn’t afraid or worried. For the most part.
The last month of my summer flew by. I worked a lot that last summer (at least, it felt like I did), and I didn’t have much time to dwell on the fact that I was going to college soon. I packed up my room; I ordered some new clothes; purchased some text books (but forgot to buy the vast majority). I was ready to go to school.
I rode to Pennsylvania with my parents on the 23rd of August. I moved in the 24th. I had been to Grove City three times before moving in but the town and campus still felt foreign. I remember it was sprinkling when we drove up to campus. Dozens of students, all in matching t-shirts, awaited us. These were the members of “OB”–Orientation Board. They were ready and EXCITED to dunk the new freshman into the crazy world that is college.
I felt a little dazed, to tell the truth, as I climbed the stairs to my dorm room, carrying up load after load. Arranging the furniture–and then rearranging it–and rearranging it again. The magnitude of what I was doing hit me as I said goodbye to my parents. This was likely the last time I would see them until the end of October. It hit me, and it hit me hard.
I’m not much of a crier, but I got close that morning as I said goodbye to my parents in a parking lot outside my dorm. But I didn’t have time to cry–minutes later and freshman were swept off to the first of many meetings, lectures, and group activities. They were determined to exhaust us.
I had one definite fear going into college: that I wouldn’t make any friends. In high school and before, I was quiet, private, even shy. A classic introvert, I didn’t mind social interaction, but I tended to prefer my own company. The close friendships that I had in high school had been forged over years, and I could remember an earlier time when I had felt lonely. I didn’t want to feel like an outsider in college. No one wants to be the kid with no friends, but I was genuinely afraid I would be that kid. I recognized my social anxiety and I feared that it would cripple me.
I told myself I wouldn’t let that happen. I made a promise to myself that during the first month of school, I would introduce myself to everyone I encountered–or as close as I practically could. Such a promise made me queasy with nerves, but it also excited me. It gave me a reason to be social, a push to go out and talk to people.
For the most part I stuck to that promise and during the first month of school I met hundreds of people. I realized that the six-hundred other freshman at my small college were all like me: they were young people struggling to figure out who they were, anxious for close friendships. During my first semester, I forged a tight core friend group, and many other close bonds beside it. I learned time and time again the importance of surrounding yourself with people who will invest in you, and the responsibility to invest back in them that comes with such friendships.
It’s another cliche, but first semester was over before I knew it. It felt like only days after move-in that my Dad was helping me load a small suitcase into the back of our car to go home for a month. Just like that, I was home again for Christmas. I missed my new friends but it was good to be with my family. When I went back for my second semester, I thought that I was ready. How different could second semester be from the first?
It proved that it could be very different, in ways good and bad, and it tested me and challenged me in ways the first hadn’t. Second semester seemed to say: You say you’ve learned all these things last semester, but did you really? Are you ready to live out those lessons? Second semester I faced classes far different from those I had taken in the previous months; relationships were tested; new friendships grew and some old ones fell away. I joined new clubs and activities and accepted leadership positions and responsibilities.
Second semester went by even faster than the first, partly because I never went home my second semester. Four months passed in what felt like a week and then I was done. It was time to go home. I was saying goodbye to friends, some of whom I had only befriended within the last few weeks of school, and I was riding home in a vehicle stuffed full of my life.
And only now have I finally made time to sit down and reflect on that year as a whole, and the things that I learned. I already shared some lessons I learned in my first semester in this post so I’ll try not to repeat those.
First, I had to learn to let myself grow. That probably sounds a little cheesy but it’s something I had to learn. I had to be okay with admitting that I’d made a mistake so that I could grow from it. Otherwise I would never learn anything. A lot of second semester involved admitting, that yup, that was a mistake, and moving on.
I learned that when it comes to picking activities, the only right way to do it is to do what works for you. Some people will tell you that you should pick a dozen clubs and later decide which ones are “for you” and others will tell you to pick one or two and heavily invest in those. Different methods work for different people.
I learned the importance of being self-motivated. I no longer had the step-by-step deadlines of high school, or the vigilance of parents to keep me accountable on my assignments. I had to decide for myself when to do my coursework. On top of that I had to balance my other schedules and responsibilities. I didn’t always get it right, but again, that’s how you learn.
I learned that I’m an extrovert! Being around people energizes me in a way I had never expected, and I love it!
I learned that I’m not going to like everyone, and not everyone is going to like me, but I have to be okay with that. I was also repeatedly reminded that being kind to someone you don’t get along with isn’t “fake”, it’s politeness.
I learned that I should worry about my own problems before trying to fix the problems of other people.
And here’s a big one: I learned, finally, that it’s okay to ask for help. This is a lesson that my incredibly patient parents have drilled into me again and again and I think now I’ve finally got it. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness.
I’ve learned not to wish time away because it passes very quickly. I’m already a quarter of the way done with my college experience. In some ways, that makes me sad, but then I remember that life doesn’t end after college, just as it didn’t end after high school. And I’ve got three more years at a wonderful place with wonderful people and I’m very excited to enjoy it all.
In seventeen days I start my second year. Remember those OB members in t-shirts I mentioned at the start of this post? I’ll be one of those next year. I’ll be on the other side of the freshman experience, and I couldn’t be more excited.
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May Is Mental Health Month

Psalm 40: 1-3 (ESV)

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, because I’ve been caught up with schoolwork and other end-of-the-semester things. My second semester at Grove City has been just as good or better than my first, and in a few weeks I hope to post a reflection on my freshman year as a whole–I’ve learned a lot that I want to share. As May starts and Spring finally arrives (our last snow here in Pennsylvania was only a few weeks ago), I wanted to take some time to reflect on the importance of the month of May: May is mental health awareness month.

Mental health awareness is extremely important, especially as we gain the ability to identify and treat more and more mental illnesses. Fortunately, the stigma against mental health issues is slowly going away. However, it’s not yet gone, and I think it is very important and powerful for people with personal testimonies about mental health to speak up. That is why I wanted to write this blog post.

The issue of mental health, and treatment of mental illnesses, and the stigma around it all, are very important to me. For large portions of my adolescent and young adult life, I battled depression. It was a silent battle that went on inside of me for many years before I recognized and identified it. I assumed that my symptoms for depression were just mood swings related to puberty and the normal burdens of adolescence. I didn’t want to burden others with my problems so I didn’t share them with even those closest to me. Once I realized that what I struggled with was probably depression, I didn’t want to talk about it, because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak. Eventually, however, I realized that I was doing nothing to help myself by holding everything inside me. I was only supporting the cultural stigma against anyone, especially young men, expressing concerns about their mental health.

Young men are encouraged to be strong, to not show their emotions. I completely support encouraging growing young men to be strong, charismatic, and character-driven, but not to a point of discouraging them from expressing their emotions, their feelings, and their fears. Unfortunately, this stigma and this attitude is one that I see often in the Christian community, where too often mental illnesses like depression and anxiety are labeled as signs of sin. And that’s simply not true. I can speak from personal experience and say that, yes, unconfessed sins can contribute to depression, but they are not the ultimate cause. We live in a fallen world. Our minds and our bodies are not perfect, and our brains can get sick just like the rest of our bodies. When we are called to take care of our bodies as God’s temple, that includes our brains.

Having depression or anxiety is not a sign that you do not trust God with your life. Mental illnesses are not punishment for sin. For too long I tried to simply “pray” my depression away, while ignoring the very people and resources God placed in my life to help me. In the past year, I have found incredible peace in the LORD, much of which is related to the fact that I have humbled myself and sought help from others. In this, I realized that I am not weak.

I can look back and identify depression in my life going back at least four years, a constant internal battle against my own mind. And that battle has not made me weak. If anything, that battle, and more importantly, winning that fight, has made me stronger. Nothing is more a sign of strength than admitting that you need help. Admitting that you can’t do everything on your own. Realizing that you don’t have to.

I do think I have conquered my depression. While there are still times where I experience depressive episodes, our bouts of anxiety, I no longer let them consume me. They do not rule my life. I have learned to recognize my own worth and value in the LORD, and come to appreciate the resources God has put in my life.

Constantly, during this fight, I had to remind myself that I am not alone. And that’s something I want to say to everyone who is struggling with this: you are not alone. You are loved. People care about you, and can and will help you. Seeking help does not make you weak–it makes you strong. To people who haven’t struggled with mental illnesses, but want to be there for those who do struggle, I say: listen. Sometimes that’s all someone needs–someone to listen to them. Don’t invalidate someone’s feelings by insisting that it is “nothing” or “is all in their head.” That will only discourage them from seeking help. I would encourage everyone to take this month to educate themselves. Too often we believe stereotypes about mental illnesses, rather than seeking the truth. Knowledge and understanding will inform our approach to mental health. Mental illnesses are not easily overcome, but they do not need to define you. Again, I would encourage anyone who struggles to seek help, and always remember that you are not alone.

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Editing my manuscript, and making it feel real

This semester I am taking two Literature classes to go with my English major. I’m in American Lit II, a requirement for all English majors, and Fantasy lit, an elective. American Lit is shaping up to be one of my favorite classes so far. In it, we discuss literary theory and analyze American novels from Mark Twain to William Faulkner. I haven’t read most of the books in the class, which adds to my enjoyment.
The class has helped me as I work on my new novel. This is my first book that isn’t fantasy or science fiction, which has proven to be a surprising challenge. Before, I could invent my world, so I was only accountable to myself for making it believable. But now, I am accountable to all reality. In American Lit, we have discussed the role and responsibility of the writer. As an observer, they must do their best to represent the world as it is. When something claims to be realistic but isn’t, a reader senses it and loses trust in the writer.
That has been one of my biggest concerns writing this book. And it has been a challenge, writing characters and situations that feel real. I want the novel to feel poetic; I also want it to be poignantly realistic. Most of the characters have emotionally-driven character arcs. They often find themselves in situations that force them to make hard decisions. These hard decisions produce growth, even when they make the wrong decision. I never wanted these situations to come across as forced. I wanted to honestly communicate the emotions so many freshmen experience. Doing so was a challenge, but one that I relished.
During the first draft, I wrote only the words that were necessary. I included very little artful description or poetic language. I wrote it in a tight third-person perspective. Since I’ve begun editing, I’ve had to add to the narrative, because I felt that something was missing. I’ve played around with the style, and found that a semi-distant omniscient narrator works best, with much more poetic imagery to describe characters and scenes. Though recently I’ve shied away from imagery in my prose, I found that I needed it in this manuscript. Only once I added my personality through imagery did I feel that I could truthfully represent reality.
I am far from done editing this book. But I’ve found a title (hopefully), and greater themes have grown as I write. The writing process has been powerful for me, and I hope that the end result will be just as powerful to read.
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Learning to Say “No”

As I near the halfway point of the second semester of my freshman year, I’ve had to learn another hard lesson about my own ability to do things. I tend to enjoy taking on a variety of projects, challenging and pushing myself to always do more and to do better at whatever I do–whether this is academic, extracurricular, or job -related. I like to say yes to things when asked, both because of what I just said, but also because, simply, I don’t like to say no. It comes from being a “people-pleaser”–I don’t want to disappoint someone by turning down their request or offer. I often feel obligated to say yes, even if they aren’t putting any pressure on me. It also comes because I don’t always have a good grasp of my limits. I will push myself until I drop because I don’t know when I’ve reached a point of over-working. This past month, I’ve had to confront this in two specific areas of my life–employment and writing.

For several months, I’ve been searching for internships or jobs for this summer and the upcoming school year, with no success. Then, in one week, I was offered three different positions working for my college. All three were positions I wanted to do, and I felt called to all of them. I recognized that I could do good work and help people through all three positions–which were a tour guide, receptionist, and admissions assistant in my college’s Admissions Office. All three positions would help me develop a variety of necessary professional and interpersonal skills for my future career, and I could see very tangible ways in which I would be helping and serving others by working in any of the jobs.

I wanted to accept all three positions. As I thought it through, however, and talked it over with my parents and some friends, I realized that accepting all three wouldn’t be the wisest choice for me. I had to consider the fact that I am also a full-time student, and had recently been accepted onto Orientation Board, a team of upperclassmen who welcome freshmen to school at the beginning of the year. This would take up a lot of my time during the first half of my fall semester next year.

Ultimately, I decided that I couldn’t accept all three jobs I had been offered. I ended up turning down the position as a receptionist, which was very hard for me because I didn’t want to say no. They had offered it to me and I felt almost obligated to say yes. But I recognized eventually that this was an unhealthy mindset and I needed to be more judicious and focused in deciding how to spend my time.

This has been largely a lesson in time-management. My time is precious and I have to be responsible in choosing how to spend it. I’ve also had to learn this recently in another area of my life–writing.

For the past five years or so, I have been working on developing and writing a series of books, and about two weeks ago, I decided that I had to put this series aside. Essentially “kill” the series. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make when it comes to my writing career, because I have invested a massive chunk of my life and talent into this series. I had every book (there were to be 7) planned out in detail. Each character had a long, rich, compelling backstory, and I had built a vast mythology and history for the world. I had started a few drafts of the first book, but for some reason I could never get it to work. 

I kept thinking that if I just tweaked this, or changed that, I would be able to make the series work. I desperately wanted to write it. The series, which was essentially a prose take on the superhero genre, contained compelling themes related to faith, courage, racism, medical ethics, war, terrorism, politics, and more. It was going to be epic in scope.

But it didn’t work.

I don’t know why it didn’t work. Perhaps it’s because I had too many versions of it in my head. Perhaps I’m just not a mature enough writer to write it right now. Maybe I was trying to write it in the wrong medium–maybe a graphic novel series or a screenplay would fit it better. Whatever the reason, I decided that I had to say no to this project. Maybe, someday in the future, I will revisit it, but right now I have put it aside indefinitely. I am no longer working on it, and I don’t plan on working on it at all. This was not an easy decision to arrive at, because of how deeply invested I was. It still is not an easy decision, but I think it was the right decision.

Since I’ve said no to that project, I’ve finished a draft of my Untitled College Novel, and have been able to begin editing it. It was when I finished the rough draft of the College Novel that I realized I had made the right choice. I started writing the first superhero book a couple years ago and in the time it took me to get half a draft of that finished, I had written three other books and published two of them. I finally realized that my pace on the superhero series wasn’t normal for me, and I needed to put it aside and let myself focus on other projects that didn’t constantly discourage me.

I am excited about my new projects, and I am optimistic that I may finally release another book in 2018, after not releasing anything in 2017, contrary to my original plan. While I do think I’ve found a niche in YA contemporary fiction that I enjoy writing in, I hope to make a return to science fiction and fantasy sometime in the near future. I have two ideas, one for a YA pirates fantasy series, and one for a YA dystopian/science-fiction thriller series, that I might allow myself to explore. I’ll hopefully be posting updates on the College Novel soon, once I have a more concrete plan for what to do next!

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New Project Announcement

Since November I have been rolling around the idea of a new novel, and I started working on it in earnest about a month ago. Last week, I finished the rough draft. I haven’t posted about it yet because I wasn’t sure until recently if I actually wanted to write it, but then it all came together much more quickly than I had expected.

The novel started as my first NaNoWriMo project. NaNoWriMo is basically a worldwide challenge encouraging writers to finish a novel in a month (November). Of course, since I finished the rough draft in February, I failed dreadfully at NaNoWriMo, but that was the kick I needed to get started on the book.

Originally the book, which as of right now is still untitled, was conceived as a roman à clef, a novel based on real-life experiences. It was to be based around my own freshman year of college. However, as I progressed through the outlining stage, it moved away from autobiographical to simply a novel about college students’ experiences that strives to reflect reality, without actually recording any real events. Ultimately, it is an honest book, without being a true story.

The book is told in a semi-episodic format. In some places it works as an epistolary novel, with the story being told through fictional journal entries, emails, text messages, and blog posts. It’s told from a variety of perspectives of different freshmen. None of the main characters are directly based on real people, just as none of the events are based on real events.

Working on this book was a stretch for me in a variety of ways, mostly because it is my first book that isn’t science fiction or fantasy. Because of that, I had to pay extra attention to representing the real world as it really is–from a variety of perspectives, because of the variety of narrators. Getting the different voices accurate was and is the most difficult part. I wanted all of the different narrators to sound like real 18-20 year-olds, and as distinct as real individuals. Though at times a challenge, I enjoyed the writing process.

I don’t have a release date in mind, yet. Only the rough draft is finished, and there are many steps that need to be taken before I think about releasing it. Next week I will begin the editing process, and once I have an idea of how much I need to edit, I will start planning for the future. As I know more, I’ll continue to post updates!

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Reflections on My First Semester

August 24th, 2017: The day I moved into my new home – Grove City College, PA. That’s not a day I’ll ever forget, from the moment we pulled into campus to the moment I said a very-nearly-tearful goodbye to my parents. Leading up to that day, I had gradually grown more and more numb to the idea that I was actually packing up and leaving the little world in which I had spent my entire life, and moving to someplace six hours away from home, where I didn’t know anyone. I knew I should be nervous, but I didn’t feel it yet.

The nerves hit, though, when I started actually moving in.

Instantly I was faced with a thousand new scenarios. I met dozens of people in the span of a few minutes, and all of us were trying to act as if everything was perfectly okay. I’m sure some people were perfectly okay, just like I’m sure others were emotional wrecks, and there were others like me…floating somewhere in the middle.

And then, before I knew it, my parents were gone, and I was on my own. The college experience had started.

The basic strategy was to bombard freshmen with so many meetings, mixers, seminars, events, lectures, luncheons, and more that no one really had time to think. By the time all the events were done, we were so tired that we easily fell asleep. I needed that week to adjust and to realize that we were all in the same boat. And it was during that week that I met some of the people who would quickly become my closest friends.

The semester continued at a break-neck speed. Each day seemed like an eternity, and then each week passed like a moment. Almost before I knew it, I was taking my finals and packing up to come home. One of my last days there, I was talking to a friend, and we agreed that the semester had gone by quickly, “But I feel I’ve known you guys for years,” she said, and I agreed.

Now that I’ve had almost a month to rest, recover, and reflect, I wanted to get into writing some of the things I learned my first semester of college, as well as some general reflections. Ask just about anyone and they’ll tell you that your first few months at college are life-changing, and that they can either be amazing…or pretty terrible. Fortunately, I had an overall  wonderful experience at college. Now, does that mean that my first semester was perfect? By no means. There were days and weeks when I really struggled with grades, or relationships, or mental health, but I wouldn’t wish for it to have gone any other way. It was those struggles, as well as all the great moments, that worked together to shape and grow me.

All that being said, here are some things I’ve learned:

Self-identity: This first semester, I came to understand myself a lot better. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true. When you’re placed in a wholly new setting, you learn who you are, and I learned that pretty quickly. I had met a few people from my class before going to GCC, but I didn’t know any of them well enough to consider them friends. I had, essentially, a blank slate. No one knew me from my past, and I could in theory be whoever I wanted to be. All I wanted to be was myself, though, and so that’s what I did. And I really learned what it meant for me to be myself. I discovered flaws I need to work on, and things I can be proud of. Overall, I would say I came out of this semester a more self-confident, self-loving person.

I also learned the importance of owning my faith. Would I go to church? How seriously would I take my devotional and prayer life? How exactly was I going to live out my faith in my everyday life? I decided immediately that I wouldn’t skip church, and that I would have to make devotions a priority. I would have to schedule that quiet time just as I would budget my time for homework. Without my faith as my foundation, I don’t think I would’ve made it through this semester. Observing others, I realized I still had a lot of growth ahead of me, but I also regained an appreciation for my own testimony and the work God has done (and is doing) in my life.

Relationships/friends: As I’ve shared before, I was worried about making friends going into college. But, God answered that prayer almost immediately. You know that old clip of Oprah going “You get a car! You get a car!”? It felt almost like God was going “Here’s a great friend! And there’s a great friend! And there’s another friend!”, because within days I had formed some of the closest friendships of my life. With this, I learned to love people at their worst and their best, and to let people love me when I was at my worst. Adjusting to college is going to be an emotional time no matter where you’re from, and I know I had my fair share of “worst” moments. I had to learn to let people in during these moments, instead of shutting them out. I learned how to care for others and be there for them in each unique way they needed.

I went into college single, and so did most of my friends, and we all quickly discovered an interesting aspect of “Small Christian college” culture: the infamous ring by Spring. Though mostly used ironically, this expression is indicative of a subtle pressure to be in a committed relationship. While at public universities, people might experience the pressure to be a part of the hookup culture; you don’t feel that at smaller Christian colleges (at least not to the same extent). But there’s a different pressure, and one that’s almost as dangerous. The unsaid belief that if you aren’t in a loving, committed, Christ-centered relationship, then there must be something wrong with you. As someone who is still happily single, I can tell you that said idea isn’t true.  It did take me some time to accept that. I saw many friends in healthy, wonderful relationships and I wanted that (and I still do). But God showed me, again and again, that I was a complete and valuable person without being in a relationship. I realize now that it’s a good thing I was single this first semester, because otherwise I probably wouldn’t have made as many friends.

Self-care/mental health: You’d be hard-pressed to find a group of people more universally stressed-out and exhausted than college students. We’re under immense amounts of pressure in a variety of areas, and it can be hard to cope. I quickly learned that I would need to find ways to deal with stress and anxiety. Those methods are different for everyone, but for me it meant very intentionally setting aside time for rest (unless it was unavoidable, I didn’t do homework on Sundays), and talking to others about my anxiety, whether that was my parents, or a school counselor, or a close friend.

College students are notorious for out-of-whack sleep schedules, and I’m no different. In high school, I usually functioned well off a consistent 7 or 8 hours a night, generally going to bed around 11:30 and waking up around 7. But once college hit, and with it, mountains of homework and a blossoming social life, I found myself staying up to 1, 2, or even 3 in the morning finishing homework, only to get up at 7 every morning to make it to my early-morning classes. I found myself averaging 5 hours of sleep a night. At first I thought I was fine, but I realized eventually that this lack of sleep was doing nothing good for the other areas of my life. I started to make intentional decisions to go to bed, even if I hadn’t finished all of my homework. Once I started doing that, my ability to focus, and manage my time, skyrocketed.

* * *

Has college changed me? Yes. I’m still myself, but I’ve matured and I’ve grown. I’m more motivated to succeed, but I’m also more able to accept my limits. I’m more self-confident, while also more self-aware of my flaws. Yet I’ve only learned to love myself more because of that. I’m a more loving and forgiving person, and I’ve really learned the importance of listening. I’ve learned to deal with bad grades, and hard assignments, and difficult people, and situations that you just can’t fix and have to accept. I’ve learned that the world is so much bigger than I thought before, and I want to explore it as much as I can.

My second semester starts in just over a week and I can honestly say that I am excited to go back and see what this semester has in store.

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Right Relationships

Just over two months ago I moved to college, which has arguably been the biggest social adjustment in my life, ever. I was excited for what lay ahead, but I was also nervous because I was going to a place where I didn’t really know anyone. Though I had connected with a few other incoming freshman before move-in day, I didn’t have any true friendships. I felt like I was going in pretty alone, and that was intimidating.

I decided I would have to be intentional about building relationships immediately, remembering that I hadn’t done that in high school, and constantly regretted it. I knew that if I wanted to make it through the first months of freshman year, I would need to be surrounded by good people. So, I decided to trust that God would put the right people in my life, but I also understand that I had a responsibility too. I couldn’t just expect friendships to materialize out of nowhere. I had to actively seek them out.

I decided that for the first month of freshman year, I would introduce myself to almost everyone possible. I went to every possible event thrown for freshmen, talked to everyone possible, learned as much as I could and tried to form as many connections as I could.

Though extremely exhausting, this was also incredibly rewarding, and I am very glad I stuck with that decision as hard as it was. During those weeks, I not only formed numerous friendships of all different levels, but I realized a lot about myself during that month. First, it was definitely confirmed that I am, without a doubt, an introvert. But I realized that I am a social introvert; I enjoy meeting people and forming a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. I discovered that I enjoyed talking to strangers, learning about their lives and their stories, and developing a connection there.

It was a true blessing that I quickly developed a tightly-knit friend group. God placed some very wonderful people in my life, and I can already tell that we are going to be friends for years, decades, to come. We are a diverse group of friends. Though we have our similarities, which drew us together, there are major differences in our backgrounds, experiences, worldviews, and personalities. Does that lead to some clashing at times? Of course. But iron sharpens iron and we have all grown together in these weeks.

However, during these weeks, something else began to develop, even though I didn’t realize it at first. A new idol began to grow in my life, one that I was both unwilling and unable to identify at first. It was the idol of “relationships”. I had unintentionally elevated my relationships and my friends to a place in my life where that was all I was concerned about. I focused on and worried about human relationships, rather than investing myself in my relationship with God.

I have always struggled with being a people-pleaser, but this really came out as I labored to maintain a growing number of relationships. These were good relationships, relationships I firmly believe God placed in my life, but I was no longer pursuing them in the way I should. I became more concerned with making sure that everything was right than actually investing in the people. I was struck suddenly by this a few days ago, when out of the blue a friend reached out and asked if she could pray for me. In that moment, I realized that I needed to completely reevaluate my mindset. Though I had been praying over my friendships, it had always been “God help me find friends”, never specifically praying for my friends. In my mind, I was still the most important thing.

And that is not right relationship.

I realized that I hadn’t been trusting in God to be present in these relationships. Not only had I internally placed the focus on myself, but I had placed all responsibility on myself, rather than trusting that God, too, can work in these friendships. That it wasn’t my duty to make sure that everything was perfect. Why was I so stressed? Because I was (am) stubborn and refused to trust that God could take care of things.

I’m still in the process of changing my mindset and approach, but I have tried to be intentional about being the friend God was calling me to be, not necessarily the friend I felt I needed to be or others wanted me to be. Since I have taken this approach, I have found myself even more immensely appreciative of the friends I have. I can see God at work in all of our lives, and I am excited to grow and watch my friends grow over the next four years.

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Why I Chose to be a History Major

When I tell people that I’ve chosen to study History, they inevitably ask me two questions. The first is “Why?” and the second is “What do you want to do with that?” These are understandable questions. Most majors indicate obviously why someone is studying them, and what that person plans on doing. If someone is a marketing major, they are studying it because they want to go into marketing, which answers both of those questions. But when someone’s major falls into the “Humanities” department–like History or English–people get curious, because the meaning becomes less obvious. No longer is there a clear end-goal. We live in a society where your college experience is just a step along the way to a career, and the idea that your major isn’t directly preparing you to function in the workforce is a strange one to some people.

I usually answer the question “Why?” by saying that I think the study of history is deeply important because the past informs the present and I believe that unless we learn from our past mistakes, we will inevitably repeat them. I also believe that the study of human history honors God because we can gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of His ultimate plan and design.

It’s when I answer the second question that people tend to get even more confused. “I want to be a full-time fiction writer,” I tell them, and for a short second I usually get blank stares, followed by another question: “Why aren’t you an English major?” For a very long time, I assumed I was going to be an English major. When I was in my early high school years, my plan was to be an English major and then go on to pursue my writing career after college. However, people warned against a degree as vague as “English”. People said such a degree was useless, and that I should pursue something more practical. Essentially, I was scared away from the English major.

Now, I recognize the incredible value of the English major, but I don’t think it’s for me. Other majors I looked at included Poli-Sci and Classical Studies (even Psychology and Philosophy for a very brief time), but I ultimately decided on History.

My current plan for after college is to pursue a career in journalism until the age of thirty; by then I hope to have established myself enough as a writer to be able to transition into writing full-time. If that isn’t God’s plan, however, I am willing to submit to that. I also recognize that I am only eighteen and still will be exposed to many opportunities and career options. For all I know, I could end up in business, or advertising, or screenwriting, or even teaching!  I don’t know where God is going to use me, but I still feel that I am called to be a writer, and I have confidence that, somehow, that will be a part of His plan.

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2 Weeks In

Two weeks ago I moved into college. In some ways it feels like I’ve been here for months, but in other ways it still feels very new. But it’s been a huge answer to prayers that I feel home here. I feel like I belong. These two weeks have been a time of crazy-busyness, excitement, new experiences, sleep deprivation, and growth, and these are a few things I’ve learned:

  1. Relationships and Community are Important: Going into college, one of my biggest fears was that I would have a hard time meeting and making friends, but upon arrival I forced myself to be as sociable and outgoing as possible, and I’ve found an already-close group of friends. I’ve formed communities of friends on my dorm, in my classes, and in various extracurricular clubs and activities that continually remind me the importance of being surrounded by others who can build you up, encourage you, and challenge you. It’s also important to keep in contact with family and friends back home, and I’ve tried to be intentional about checking in with my high school friends who I don’t see on a daily basis anymore.
  2. Learn to Say Yes: The first week we were here, Welcome Week, was packed with activities ranging from lectures to seminars to dances to carnivals to game nights, all designed to help the freshman class get to know each other better. While the activities weren’t mandatory, they were strongly encouraged, and I decided to go to every activity, even though I didn’t always want to. Though this decision meant I had almost no downtime for the first few days, I am glad I did it because I was exposed to a number of opportunities, and met many people, that I would have missed out on had I not gone to the events. When it came to signing up for clubs, I said “yes” to as many as I could (because you didn’t need to commit yet). Though I’ve only ended up following-up on two, maybe three, of those clubs, I wouldn’t have even heard of them if I didn’t first say “yes” when they asked if I wanted information.
  3. Learn to Say No: Something else that is very important is the ability to say “no” to some things. I’ve quickly learned that, in college you don’t have time to commit to as many things as you did in high school. There were several campus ministries and clubs I wanted to join, but I had to say “no” to simply because there isn’t enough time in the day for me to do everything. Instead, I found a couple organizations I was super passionate about and committed to them. It’s better to commit fully to a few things, than spread yourself too thin.
  4. Budget Your Time Well: I’ve been pretty busy these past two weeks, between learning all the new information for freshmen, going to events,. attending classes, and doing homework. I’m a History Major, which means most of my homework is reading…a lot of reading. Some nights I have 100+ pages to read in various textbooks. The nice thing, though, is that I have large stretches of time to get everything done. Much of my homework the first week was simply recording all my syllabi and organizing my schedule for the upcoming semester. One of my biggest faults in high school was poor organization and shaky time management. These past two weeks I’ve had to learn how to set aside blocks of my time to get things done, and to be proactive rather than procrastinative (is that a word?). I’ve had to recognize that things aren’t going to get done unless I do them, and that, unlike high school, I am the one solely responsible for managing my schedule and my homework.
  5. Make Time for Rest: Though I already knew the importance of rest, these past two weeks have really reinforced it for me. I didn’t fully appreciate what it meant to take a break from something. Earlier today, one of my friends from down the hall walked into my room and said, “Stu, you’re always reading. Take a break! Just give yourself fifteen minutes!” Those are wise words from a wise friend, and I listened to him. I took a nap, and I’m glad I did! Budgeting time to get work done is important, but so is budgeting time for rest. Similarly, my entire life I’ve avoided doing homework on Sunday, the day of rest. I had to decide if I wanted to continue with that in college, and ultimately I decided that I wasn’t going to do homework on Sundays. I need a day I can dedicate to rest and to the LORD, and I need to have faith that my tasks will get completed some other time. Giving myself that day of rest gives me the motivation to finish my tasks, knowing that 1) I have limited time and 2) I’ll be able to have an extended break. I’ve also learned again the important of making time for devotions, prayer, etc., because just “finding” time rarely works out.

I am looking forward to the upcoming semesters and years, and I’m eager to see where God takes me and what I learn, both academically and otherwise. I’ve been keeping up with my writing, though not at the pace I was able to before, and I’ll probably post an update on that in the near(ish) future.

As always, if you liked this post, feel to like it on Instagram, Facebook, or WordPress! If you’d like to receive regular email updates from this blog’s activity, please subscribe in the field on the right.

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Looking Forward to College

A few months ago, I posted Reflections on High School, where I discussed the end of high school, and how I felt I had done high school well, and how I was excited for what what was next.

Well, “what’s next” is now here. Tomorrow I move to college, and I have to admit that it doesn’t quite feel real yet.  Part of me still feels like college is in the distant future. But no, it’s tomorrow.

I’m excited to go to college, because even though there are aspects of moving away that make me nervous, I know that the experiences I will have and the growth I will undergo far outweigh anything that could potentially scare me. I have seen God’s hand throughout my entire process of searching for a school, and I know that He has guided me to the right place. I am eager to see what He will do in my life, and how the people at Grove City College will impact me.

Last night, I had the blessing of having some friends come over to pray for me before I leave for college. There happened to be music playing in the background and I heard a lyric while someone was praying. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters wherever you may call me”. Those words come from the popular song Oceans by Christian band Hillsong United. It is a very beautiful song, though I, like many, hadn’t always paused to really consider the lyrics, which are about trusting God in hard times and letting Him take you places where you aren’t comfortable. I found myself praying that prayer while the music played in the background. I felt that was what God is going to do–there are things in college that will stretch me out of my comfort zone, but that’s okay, because that is how you grow.

As college starts, I know I am going to be very busy, but I will try to update my blog regularly with what I’m experiencing at college and learning in my classes and in discussions with peers and professors. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers in the next month or so of adjustment.

As always, if you liked this post, feel to like it on Instagram, Facebook, or WordPress! If you’d like to receive regular email updates from this blog’s activity, please subscribe in the field on the right.