I’m halfway done with college, and that’s odd. It’s not that I never thought I’d make it here. I always hoped that I would–it was always in my plan to go to college. The oddness comes more from the realization that this significant time of my life is going to end.
About a year ago, I wrote a post reflecting on my freshman year of college. I walked through several things I had learned, and wrote about the things I anticipated for my sophomore year. Now that year has come and gone. It exceeded and subverted my expectations in bizarre and wonderful ways. Sophomore year was one of the craziest, longest, best, hardest, most challenging, and most rewarding years of my life. It was filled with new opportunities, times of growth, tough lessons, wonderful people, and memories I will cherish always.
I went into sophomore year figuring that I had learned the lessons I needed to learn. Freshman year had been awesome, though tough, and I was ready to tackle what year 2 had in store. I was on Orientation Board, ready to impart my “wisdom” to the freshmen. I look back and almost laugh because I realize I didn’t have much figured out–and I recognize now that I still don’t. Orientation Board was an amazing and life-changing experience: two(ish) weeks of intense service of others, bonding with friends and fellow workers, forming life-long relationships. I learned so much about myself and about work during those weeks. From that experience blossomed some of my most treasured friendships, and OB provided a solid and exciting foundation for my sophomore year.
As the year went on, my schedule grew swollen and my spare time grew short. I knew that I was busy, even busier than I had been as a freshman, but, for some reason, I rarely felt as stressed as I had then. I took this to mean that I was doing fine, that I could handle more on my plate. I accepted many responsibilities. Probably more than I should’ve. The first semester was full, in all senses of the word. Full of love and friendship. Full of hard work and service. Full of homework and responsibilities. I was more than ready for Christmas Break, and after it, going into the second semester, I was again excited.
This past spring semester was one of the most life-changing periods of my life. I think I learned more in those four-and-a-half months than I have in all of college combined. These past months held the climax of many lessons that had been building slowly. All those threads in my life and in my growth came together, forming new patterns, working themselves out. Some questions were answered, some lessons learned, while other questions were asked and other lessons set up.
Sitting down now, I’m trying to distill into clear words what I learned this year. There is so much, and many of the lessons aren’t unique to me. The importance of rest, of good relationships, of good study habits and self care and time spent in prayer. But there were some lessons that felt personal, things I knew I needed to learn.
I learned–or rather, was reminded of–the power of empathy and listening. Everyone is dealing with things we cannot see and that we won’t know if we don’t take the time to listen. I saw this powerfully when I was serving in Los Angeles for a mission trip. Talking with the people we served proved to be more powerful (for myself and them) than any act of physical service. Love is shown through a listening ear, through an empathetic smile and a kind word.
I learned the importance of being focused. This year I spread myself very thin–too thin–to the point of exhaustion. At one point, I think I was involved in upwards of 6 extracurriculars, on top of 16 credits and a social life. Though I loved being involved, I finally had to confront the fact that I was involved for the sake of being involved. Our time is God’s. It is a gift, and one we are to steward in such a way that honors Him. I realized that me wrecking my mental and physical state to do a dozen things did not honor God. I aimed to be more focused, and realized that, organically over the months, a focus had grown from all of my activities: ministry, specifically related to mentorship on campus. It is with this focus that I intend to go into my next year.
Related to this, I learned the joy that is found in pursuing what you love. When I finally shed certain responsibilities I had taken on simply because I thought I had to, I had more time to focus on what I loved. Whether that was writing, or grabbing coffee with a friend and being present, or listening to music. I was blessed with opportunities to do what I loved, and I found so much joy in that. With this, I learned the importance of having a hobby. This might sound cheesy, but I found that it is super important to do something you love simply because you love it. Not because you have to or because you’re getting a grade. I found (to my surprise) that my hobby was becoming writing poetry.
I learned that God created a world that is beautiful and we must rejoice for it, and weep when we see its brokenness. This year I saw so much beauty. Whether that was in the natural world, or in friendship, or in worship, or in prayer, I had glimpses of the world as it is meant to be (or as close as we can see on this side of heaven). I also saw the world in its brokenness. In my own heart, in the places where I served, in relationships. I learned that it is okay to grieve that brokenness, and that this grief should be a reminder that things are not right, and that God has called us to be examples of people striving to follow Him regardless of the world. It was also a beautiful reminder that Christ has washed us clean of this brokenness. We have been redeemed from it. Made new, and beautiful again.
I learned to cherish the people around me, and that sometimes a few tight-knit relationships are more valuable than a dozen shallower ones, but all have their place. At different stages of our life, we have different relational needs. Freshman year I discovered my extroversion, and developed many friends. I learned I love investing in people, but I also learned that I tend to idolize relationships. I realized this year that I was investing myself in so many relationships that I couldn’t truly invest in them. My focus was scattered, and I had to, at times, pick my people.
Near the end of the semester, a wise friend of mine gave me some advice about relationships and investing in people. He used the analogy of Jesus. Christ had his 5,000 followers. Those to whom he preached. He had the 72 he sent out. Then he had the 12 in whom he invested deeply. Within that he had 3, his most trusted circle. And then there was the 1, John, the disciple Jesus loved. Obviously, we’re not Jesus, and if we start to think of ourselves as the “Jesus” of our friend group, that’s problematic, but what my friend was suggesting was that we needed different levels of friendship. We needed acquaintances, but we also needed close friends, and best friends, and then those brothers and sisters in Christ we trust above anyone else. This was very convicting as I realized my relational focus had grown muddled. There were times I treated a close friend like an acquaintance, or pulled away from a relationship with an acquaintance because I knew they would never be a close friend. I tried to reorient my perspective, to focus on those people I knew I loved. Those relationships that are rich and life-giving. I know that I can now treasure each relationship for its individual value. Not every friend must be a close friend. Acquaintances are just as beautiful, and because of that I can cherish each person, and lean into the relationships that are the most mutually fulfilling.
This year, I drew close to several new people, placed in my life just when God knew I would need them. Some I served alongside on OB or in Los Angeles. Others were members of the housing group I joined. Many were seniors, and poured into my life when they did not have to. From this comes the final lesson I learned this year: goodbye’s are hard. At the end of my freshman year, saying goodbye to my friends was difficult, but we knew that (mostly) we’d be seeing each other in three months. This past week, saying goodbye to certain friends who were graduating, I realized that I didn’t know when I would see them again. Some of them I know I’ll see soon, but even so, the proximity aspect of these relationships are over. In my shortsightedness, it feels to me that they were cut too short, but I know that these people were in my life–and I in theirs–for the right amount of time. Even so, that doesn’t make goodbye’s any easier. A part of me will always wish for one more coffee with these people, one more meal in the cafeteria, one more movie night, one more walk around the Quad. But goodbye’s are a part of college (of life) and growth comes with them. This pain I felt, the melancholy of a “see you later” when you don’t know when later will be, reminded me again that I have two years left at Grove, and this encouraged me to keep in mind these other lessons I learned as I go into my future at Grove City–
To love those around me in the two years I have left. To lean into those relationships that produce fruit. To seek to serve God in everything I do. To rest. To encourage others to rest. To remember that I can’t carry my burdens alone, and neither can anyone else.
I have the blessing of being home for a bit before I go to work at a summer camp, returning to Los Angeles for a short time. I’m super stoked about that. But also ready for these few weeks of rest. Before I know it, my junior year will be here. I’ll no longer be a teenager (which is also super odd) and I’ll be into my third year of college. I don’t know what next year has in store, but I think I’ve learned by now I’ll never finish “figuring it out” and there will always be new convicting lessons to learn. I’m excited for that.