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Editing my manuscript, and making it feel real

This semester I am taking two Literature classes to go with my English major. I’m in American Lit II, a requirement for all English majors, and Fantasy lit, an elective. American Lit is shaping up to be one of my favorite classes so far. In it, we discuss literary theory and analyze American novels from Mark Twain to William Faulkner. I haven’t read most of the books in the class, which adds to my enjoyment.
The class has helped me as I work on my new novel. This is my first book that isn’t fantasy or science fiction, which has proven to be a surprising challenge. Before, I could invent my world, so I was only accountable to myself for making it believable. But now, I am accountable to all reality. In American Lit, we have discussed the role and responsibility of the writer. As an observer, they must do their best to represent the world as it is. When something claims to be realistic but isn’t, a reader senses it and loses trust in the writer.
That has been one of my biggest concerns writing this book. And it has been a challenge, writing characters and situations that feel real. I want the novel to feel poetic; I also want it to be poignantly realistic. Most of the characters have emotionally-driven character arcs. They often find themselves in situations that force them to make hard decisions. These hard decisions produce growth, even when they make the wrong decision. I never wanted these situations to come across as forced. I wanted to honestly communicate the emotions so many freshmen experience. Doing so was a challenge, but one that I relished.
During the first draft, I wrote only the words that were necessary. I included very little artful description or poetic language. I wrote it in a tight third-person perspective. Since I’ve begun editing, I’ve had to add to the narrative, because I felt that something was missing. I’ve played around with the style, and found that a semi-distant omniscient narrator works best, with much more poetic imagery to describe characters and scenes. Though recently I’ve shied away from imagery in my prose, I found that I needed it in this manuscript. Only once I added my personality through imagery did I feel that I could truthfully represent reality.
I am far from done editing this book. But I’ve found a title (hopefully), and greater themes have grown as I write. The writing process has been powerful for me, and I hope that the end result will be just as powerful to read.
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Learning to Say “No”

As I near the halfway point of the second semester of my freshman year, I’ve had to learn another hard lesson about my own ability to do things. I tend to enjoy taking on a variety of projects, challenging and pushing myself to always do more and to do better at whatever I do–whether this is academic, extracurricular, or job -related. I like to say yes to things when asked, both because of what I just said, but also because, simply, I don’t like to say no. It comes from being a “people-pleaser”–I don’t want to disappoint someone by turning down their request or offer. I often feel obligated to say yes, even if they aren’t putting any pressure on me. It also comes because I don’t always have a good grasp of my limits. I will push myself until I drop because I don’t know when I’ve reached a point of over-working. This past month, I’ve had to confront this in two specific areas of my life–employment and writing.

For several months, I’ve been searching for internships or jobs for this summer and the upcoming school year, with no success. Then, in one week, I was offered three different positions working for my college. All three were positions I wanted to do, and I felt called to all of them. I recognized that I could do good work and help people through all three positions–which were a tour guide, receptionist, and admissions assistant in my college’s Admissions Office. All three positions would help me develop a variety of necessary professional and interpersonal skills for my future career, and I could see very tangible ways in which I would be helping and serving others by working in any of the jobs.

I wanted to accept all three positions. As I thought it through, however, and talked it over with my parents and some friends, I realized that accepting all three wouldn’t be the wisest choice for me. I had to consider the fact that I am also a full-time student, and had recently been accepted onto Orientation Board, a team of upperclassmen who welcome freshmen to school at the beginning of the year. This would take up a lot of my time during the first half of my fall semester next year.

Ultimately, I decided that I couldn’t accept all three jobs I had been offered. I ended up turning down the position as a receptionist, which was very hard for me because I didn’t want to say no. They had offered it to me and I felt almost obligated to say yes. But I recognized eventually that this was an unhealthy mindset and I needed to be more judicious and focused in deciding how to spend my time.

This has been largely a lesson in time-management. My time is precious and I have to be responsible in choosing how to spend it. I’ve also had to learn this recently in another area of my life–writing.

For the past five years or so, I have been working on developing and writing a series of books, and about two weeks ago, I decided that I had to put this series aside. Essentially “kill” the series. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make when it comes to my writing career, because I have invested a massive chunk of my life and talent into this series. I had every book (there were to be 7) planned out in detail. Each character had a long, rich, compelling backstory, and I had built a vast mythology and history for the world. I had started a few drafts of the first book, but for some reason I could never get it to work. 

I kept thinking that if I just tweaked this, or changed that, I would be able to make the series work. I desperately wanted to write it. The series, which was essentially a prose take on the superhero genre, contained compelling themes related to faith, courage, racism, medical ethics, war, terrorism, politics, and more. It was going to be epic in scope.

But it didn’t work.

I don’t know why it didn’t work. Perhaps it’s because I had too many versions of it in my head. Perhaps I’m just not a mature enough writer to write it right now. Maybe I was trying to write it in the wrong medium–maybe a graphic novel series or a screenplay would fit it better. Whatever the reason, I decided that I had to say no to this project. Maybe, someday in the future, I will revisit it, but right now I have put it aside indefinitely. I am no longer working on it, and I don’t plan on working on it at all. This was not an easy decision to arrive at, because of how deeply invested I was. It still is not an easy decision, but I think it was the right decision.

Since I’ve said no to that project, I’ve finished a draft of my Untitled College Novel, and have been able to begin editing it. It was when I finished the rough draft of the College Novel that I realized I had made the right choice. I started writing the first superhero book a couple years ago and in the time it took me to get half a draft of that finished, I had written three other books and published two of them. I finally realized that my pace on the superhero series wasn’t normal for me, and I needed to put it aside and let myself focus on other projects that didn’t constantly discourage me.

I am excited about my new projects, and I am optimistic that I may finally release another book in 2018, after not releasing anything in 2017, contrary to my original plan. While I do think I’ve found a niche in YA contemporary fiction that I enjoy writing in, I hope to make a return to science fiction and fantasy sometime in the near future. I have two ideas, one for a YA pirates fantasy series, and one for a YA dystopian/science-fiction thriller series, that I might allow myself to explore. I’ll hopefully be posting updates on the College Novel soon, once I have a more concrete plan for what to do next!

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Reflections on My First Semester

August 24th, 2017: The day I moved into my new home – Grove City College, PA. That’s not a day I’ll ever forget, from the moment we pulled into campus to the moment I said a very-nearly-tearful goodbye to my parents. Leading up to that day, I had gradually grown more and more numb to the idea that I was actually packing up and leaving the little world in which I had spent my entire life, and moving to someplace six hours away from home, where I didn’t know anyone. I knew I should be nervous, but I didn’t feel it yet.

The nerves hit, though, when I started actually moving in.

Instantly I was faced with a thousand new scenarios. I met dozens of people in the span of a few minutes, and all of us were trying to act as if everything was perfectly okay. I’m sure some people were perfectly okay, just like I’m sure others were emotional wrecks, and there were others like me…floating somewhere in the middle.

And then, before I knew it, my parents were gone, and I was on my own. The college experience had started.

The basic strategy was to bombard freshmen with so many meetings, mixers, seminars, events, lectures, luncheons, and more that no one really had time to think. By the time all the events were done, we were so tired that we easily fell asleep. I needed that week to adjust and to realize that we were all in the same boat. And it was during that week that I met some of the people who would quickly become my closest friends.

The semester continued at a break-neck speed. Each day seemed like an eternity, and then each week passed like a moment. Almost before I knew it, I was taking my finals and packing up to come home. One of my last days there, I was talking to a friend, and we agreed that the semester had gone by quickly, “But I feel I’ve known you guys for years,” she said, and I agreed.

Now that I’ve had almost a month to rest, recover, and reflect, I wanted to get into writing some of the things I learned my first semester of college, as well as some general reflections. Ask just about anyone and they’ll tell you that your first few months at college are life-changing, and that they can either be amazing…or pretty terrible. Fortunately, I had an overall  wonderful experience at college. Now, does that mean that my first semester was perfect? By no means. There were days and weeks when I really struggled with grades, or relationships, or mental health, but I wouldn’t wish for it to have gone any other way. It was those struggles, as well as all the great moments, that worked together to shape and grow me.

All that being said, here are some things I’ve learned:

Self-identity: This first semester, I came to understand myself a lot better. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true. When you’re placed in a wholly new setting, you learn who you are, and I learned that pretty quickly. I had met a few people from my class before going to GCC, but I didn’t know any of them well enough to consider them friends. I had, essentially, a blank slate. No one knew me from my past, and I could in theory be whoever I wanted to be. All I wanted to be was myself, though, and so that’s what I did. And I really learned what it meant for me to be myself. I discovered flaws I need to work on, and things I can be proud of. Overall, I would say I came out of this semester a more self-confident, self-loving person.

I also learned the importance of owning my faith. Would I go to church? How seriously would I take my devotional and prayer life? How exactly was I going to live out my faith in my everyday life? I decided immediately that I wouldn’t skip church, and that I would have to make devotions a priority. I would have to schedule that quiet time just as I would budget my time for homework. Without my faith as my foundation, I don’t think I would’ve made it through this semester. Observing others, I realized I still had a lot of growth ahead of me, but I also regained an appreciation for my own testimony and the work God has done (and is doing) in my life.

Relationships/friends: As I’ve shared before, I was worried about making friends going into college. But, God answered that prayer almost immediately. You know that old clip of Oprah going “You get a car! You get a car!”? It felt almost like God was going “Here’s a great friend! And there’s a great friend! And there’s another friend!”, because within days I had formed some of the closest friendships of my life. With this, I learned to love people at their worst and their best, and to let people love me when I was at my worst. Adjusting to college is going to be an emotional time no matter where you’re from, and I know I had my fair share of “worst” moments. I had to learn to let people in during these moments, instead of shutting them out. I learned how to care for others and be there for them in each unique way they needed.

I went into college single, and so did most of my friends, and we all quickly discovered an interesting aspect of “Small Christian college” culture: the infamous ring by Spring. Though mostly used ironically, this expression is indicative of a subtle pressure to be in a committed relationship. While at public universities, people might experience the pressure to be a part of the hookup culture; you don’t feel that at smaller Christian colleges (at least not to the same extent). But there’s a different pressure, and one that’s almost as dangerous. The unsaid belief that if you aren’t in a loving, committed, Christ-centered relationship, then there must be something wrong with you. As someone who is still happily single, I can tell you that said idea isn’t true.  It did take me some time to accept that. I saw many friends in healthy, wonderful relationships and I wanted that (and I still do). But God showed me, again and again, that I was a complete and valuable person without being in a relationship. I realize now that it’s a good thing I was single this first semester, because otherwise I probably wouldn’t have made as many friends.

Self-care/mental health: You’d be hard-pressed to find a group of people more universally stressed-out and exhausted than college students. We’re under immense amounts of pressure in a variety of areas, and it can be hard to cope. I quickly learned that I would need to find ways to deal with stress and anxiety. Those methods are different for everyone, but for me it meant very intentionally setting aside time for rest (unless it was unavoidable, I didn’t do homework on Sundays), and talking to others about my anxiety, whether that was my parents, or a school counselor, or a close friend.

College students are notorious for out-of-whack sleep schedules, and I’m no different. In high school, I usually functioned well off a consistent 7 or 8 hours a night, generally going to bed around 11:30 and waking up around 7. But once college hit, and with it, mountains of homework and a blossoming social life, I found myself staying up to 1, 2, or even 3 in the morning finishing homework, only to get up at 7 every morning to make it to my early-morning classes. I found myself averaging 5 hours of sleep a night. At first I thought I was fine, but I realized eventually that this lack of sleep was doing nothing good for the other areas of my life. I started to make intentional decisions to go to bed, even if I hadn’t finished all of my homework. Once I started doing that, my ability to focus, and manage my time, skyrocketed.

* * *

Has college changed me? Yes. I’m still myself, but I’ve matured and I’ve grown. I’m more motivated to succeed, but I’m also more able to accept my limits. I’m more self-confident, while also more self-aware of my flaws. Yet I’ve only learned to love myself more because of that. I’m a more loving and forgiving person, and I’ve really learned the importance of listening. I’ve learned to deal with bad grades, and hard assignments, and difficult people, and situations that you just can’t fix and have to accept. I’ve learned that the world is so much bigger than I thought before, and I want to explore it as much as I can.

My second semester starts in just over a week and I can honestly say that I am excited to go back and see what this semester has in store.

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Right Relationships

Just over two months ago I moved to college, which has arguably been the biggest social adjustment in my life, ever. I was excited for what lay ahead, but I was also nervous because I was going to a place where I didn’t really know anyone. Though I had connected with a few other incoming freshman before move-in day, I didn’t have any true friendships. I felt like I was going in pretty alone, and that was intimidating.

I decided I would have to be intentional about building relationships immediately, remembering that I hadn’t done that in high school, and constantly regretted it. I knew that if I wanted to make it through the first months of freshman year, I would need to be surrounded by good people. So, I decided to trust that God would put the right people in my life, but I also understand that I had a responsibility too. I couldn’t just expect friendships to materialize out of nowhere. I had to actively seek them out.

I decided that for the first month of freshman year, I would introduce myself to almost everyone possible. I went to every possible event thrown for freshmen, talked to everyone possible, learned as much as I could and tried to form as many connections as I could.

Though extremely exhausting, this was also incredibly rewarding, and I am very glad I stuck with that decision as hard as it was. During those weeks, I not only formed numerous friendships of all different levels, but I realized a lot about myself during that month. First, it was definitely confirmed that I am, without a doubt, an introvert. But I realized that I am a social introvert; I enjoy meeting people and forming a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. I discovered that I enjoyed talking to strangers, learning about their lives and their stories, and developing a connection there.

It was a true blessing that I quickly developed a tightly-knit friend group. God placed some very wonderful people in my life, and I can already tell that we are going to be friends for years, decades, to come. We are a diverse group of friends. Though we have our similarities, which drew us together, there are major differences in our backgrounds, experiences, worldviews, and personalities. Does that lead to some clashing at times? Of course. But iron sharpens iron and we have all grown together in these weeks.

However, during these weeks, something else began to develop, even though I didn’t realize it at first. A new idol began to grow in my life, one that I was both unwilling and unable to identify at first. It was the idol of “relationships”. I had unintentionally elevated my relationships and my friends to a place in my life where that was all I was concerned about. I focused on and worried about human relationships, rather than investing myself in my relationship with God.

I have always struggled with being a people-pleaser, but this really came out as I labored to maintain a growing number of relationships. These were good relationships, relationships I firmly believe God placed in my life, but I was no longer pursuing them in the way I should. I became more concerned with making sure that everything was right than actually investing in the people. I was struck suddenly by this a few days ago, when out of the blue a friend reached out and asked if she could pray for me. In that moment, I realized that I needed to completely reevaluate my mindset. Though I had been praying over my friendships, it had always been “God help me find friends”, never specifically praying for my friends. In my mind, I was still the most important thing.

And that is not right relationship.

I realized that I hadn’t been trusting in God to be present in these relationships. Not only had I internally placed the focus on myself, but I had placed all responsibility on myself, rather than trusting that God, too, can work in these friendships. That it wasn’t my duty to make sure that everything was perfect. Why was I so stressed? Because I was (am) stubborn and refused to trust that God could take care of things.

I’m still in the process of changing my mindset and approach, but I have tried to be intentional about being the friend God was calling me to be, not necessarily the friend I felt I needed to be or others wanted me to be. Since I have taken this approach, I have found myself even more immensely appreciative of the friends I have. I can see God at work in all of our lives, and I am excited to grow and watch my friends grow over the next four years.

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Why I Chose to be a History Major

When I tell people that I’ve chosen to study History, they inevitably ask me two questions. The first is “Why?” and the second is “What do you want to do with that?” These are understandable questions. Most majors indicate obviously why someone is studying them, and what that person plans on doing. If someone is a marketing major, they are studying it because they want to go into marketing, which answers both of those questions. But when someone’s major falls into the “Humanities” department–like History or English–people get curious, because the meaning becomes less obvious. No longer is there a clear end-goal. We live in a society where your college experience is just a step along the way to a career, and the idea that your major isn’t directly preparing you to function in the workforce is a strange one to some people.

I usually answer the question “Why?” by saying that I think the study of history is deeply important because the past informs the present and I believe that unless we learn from our past mistakes, we will inevitably repeat them. I also believe that the study of human history honors God because we can gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of His ultimate plan and design.

It’s when I answer the second question that people tend to get even more confused. “I want to be a full-time fiction writer,” I tell them, and for a short second I usually get blank stares, followed by another question: “Why aren’t you an English major?” For a very long time, I assumed I was going to be an English major. When I was in my early high school years, my plan was to be an English major and then go on to pursue my writing career after college. However, people warned against a degree as vague as “English”. People said such a degree was useless, and that I should pursue something more practical. Essentially, I was scared away from the English major.

Now, I recognize the incredible value of the English major, but I don’t think it’s for me. Other majors I looked at included Poli-Sci and Classical Studies (even Psychology and Philosophy for a very brief time), but I ultimately decided on History.

My current plan for after college is to pursue a career in journalism until the age of thirty; by then I hope to have established myself enough as a writer to be able to transition into writing full-time. If that isn’t God’s plan, however, I am willing to submit to that. I also recognize that I am only eighteen and still will be exposed to many opportunities and career options. For all I know, I could end up in business, or advertising, or screenwriting, or even teaching!  I don’t know where God is going to use me, but I still feel that I am called to be a writer, and I have confidence that, somehow, that will be a part of His plan.